Senescence | Chapter 8: Deeper Ground

It's been a while since that's happened. I lay supine on my bed, tucked securely from the neck down. Gentle tingles and zaps ran out through by body as my mind continued to float with a faint sense of lightness. I hadn't been woozy like that in a few months. Having grown accustomed to the kind of wooziness I got with them, last night's wooziness caught me thoroughly unprepared. I could still feel it teasing me. Threatening to take me away just as quick if I let my mind wander even a little too far.

Whenever I was woozy, there was little I could do about it aside from riding it out on my bed. It often left me with too little energy for anything meaningful. Occasionally, I found it helped to allow it to spill out in prose that expressed thoughts and feelings I never knew I could express. I would sometimes even share those feelings with friends on the overnet, though I tried my best to avoid it out of fear for how little control I had over what I would say.

As we grew closer, I began to trust Aph enough to share more and more personal things. Naturally, there came a point where it began to receive my woozy messages. They tended to concern and intrigue it in equal proportions, as it saw more and more of the vulnerable ramblings I would put out. Though it often tried to speak with me and comfort me, it never seemed to make its way through to me across the overnet. But yesterday... felt different.

"Hey, Aph?"

"Yes, Shiki?"

Aph turned around from sitting at its desk, presumably occupied with more paperwork.

"Thanks for... being with me up so late last night."

"Oh, um. No problem."

I could see an awkward shuffling of foliage behind its back. A flash of colour in the leaves making up its face. Things I could never have seen lightyears away. Being able to observe its every articulation and emotion face to face was... comforting. It was unusually vulnerable of it to let me see all its unfiltered reactions, which put me at ease when I shared in its vulnerability by letting it see much of what I hid behind a screen.

"I hope I didn't make you too uncomfortable. I know we just had that agreement about not touching you without explicit permission and... well you did say to hold you but... well you weren't really in the right state of mind... and..."

...uncomfortable? I... hm. I... don't remember being uncomfortable.

"No, not at all, Aph. I needed that. Honestly, you could even have held me a little tighter to help ground me more. I was just... a bit too incapacitated to tell you to."

"I see. Sorry for... not helping much then."

"You helped me plenty. I actually managed to sleep this time, heh. What I mean is that it would also help to hold me tighter, or hold me more. Get me to feel something. Y'know?"

"Oh. But what if you're unable to explicitly ask for it like yesterday?"

Hm. That's... a fair point.

"I'm fine with it, I think. What I need when it comes to touch is getting to maintain my agency in deciding when I want to be touched. Our agreement is really just to support that by letting me know when and how you're going to touch me. I'm deciding now that I want to be touched. I'll know I may be touched when I'm woozy in the future. So... that feels okay."

"Okay. How will I know for sure when you're woozy and this arrangement applies?"

I hadn't thought about that. It was surprisingly non-trivial to think of satisfactory responses to Aph's probing questions in spite of how much I'd always wanted to have these kinds of conversations. Still, it was a good thing to struggle with. Rather this than not. I'd take questions any day over grunts and whines. I rolled onto my side to face Aph, letting the conversation between us coddle me in a hug.

"I... Hm. I guess that does just shift the problem from knowing when I'm okay with it to knowing when I'm woozy. But, I mean, you were able to tell that something was wrong yesterday. I feel like I can trust you enough to be able to discern when I'm woozy, not that I would blame you if you got it wrong from time to time."

"Well, I'm not sure I would be comfortable with that."

Aph walked over from its desk and found a seat a respectful distance from me on the bed.

"Why so?"

"I'm not... well... I just don't like the idea of doing something you might not be comfortable with. If I feel like you might be uncomfortable with something I'm about to do, I'd rather just not do it."

"I see. That's fair. I know you don't want to make me uncomfortable and I appreciate that. Maybe I could tell you when I feel uncomfortable as soon as I'm able to? I think it might be easier for me to describe the difference if I'm feeling it in the moment."

"Yeah I... still don't think I'm very comfortable with that."

"No worries. Hm. ... ... Gah, sorry... words... hard."

"That's okay."

It seemed my brain had finally given myself back up to the fog brewing in my head since waking up. I had so much more I wanted to say. Though, now lacking in the faculties to say anything, also a simmering sense of frustration. Annoying. A pang of disappointment weighed on my stomach as I felt the conversation slip from my grasp, unresolved.

Holding my gaze as the silence grew longer, I began to drum another polyrhythm on the bed idly with my fingers. Thunk, thunk-thunk-thunk. Thunk, thunk-thunk-thunk. I was somewhat expecting Aph to say something further, and so continued to hold my taciturn stare and elected to simply drum my way through the awkwardness as usual. As a few minutes passed, however, the silent awkwardness quickly proved untenable.

"Sorry Aph, this... didn't feel that productive of a conversation."

I tried my hardest to think of a way to wrap our discussion up with a satisfactory conclusion; answers to unanswered questions, things to do, steps to take, some outline. I hated how many dangling threads lay unresolved. Yet, I didn't know myself well enough to think of anything I could say.

"That's okay too. I enjoyed learning new things about you. We can always talk more about it another time."

"Mkay."

I guess this was okay. I've said all that could be said now, anyway. I returned my focus to sinking deeper into the mattress and allowing myself to bask in the quiet stillness that soon followed. The awkwardness of the silence quickly gave way to the warmth of Aph's company across our corners of the bed, enveloping me in a deep sense of serenity.

"Could you hold me again, Aph?"