Senescence | Chapter 7: New Light

The digital clock ticked imaginary tocks. The waves of time crashed on a solitary rock. I can't sleep. The fog in my head had returned, though much different from before. It did not evoke a sense of panic, yet the way it shifted around my mind felt nonetheless uncomfortably familiar. Not again. A piercing tone rang out in my ears and muffled all but the diegesis in my head.

I looked up from my pillow, hoping to ascertain the time. The clock, struck it three; calming all, all but me. A thought: to be free, was it not meant to be? I sat up in a daze, body buzzing and light. The contract and all its sub-documents sat in a neat pile on Aph's table, signed and countersigned.

"Shiki? Is everything alright?"

"... No."

Aph appeared by the door to its room, vines messy and hanging loose by its side.

"Can't sleep?"

Caring show; captive's woe. Was this right? I don't know. Far removed, I alone; connections severed, superficial yet known. Through the haze, faces, shared moments, and memories began to surface unprompted. At the same time, a vast, nebulous sense of emptiness. Empty yet full of jealousy and experiences never experienced.

"Yeah I... My head feels a little... woozy..."

Everything flicked through my head like a presentation gone rogue. Brilliant flashes of still frames blinded me as I stumbled backwards and fell onto the bed. Pulses of strong, discordant emotions crescendoed into a cacophony of noise and confusion. In my freedom I needed, and needed to be needed. I pleaded to be needed, yet never once suceeded. Conceited, I heeded and exceeded, but then was superceded. Defeated, cheated, poorly treated, I retreated, hope deleted. Fate repeated, death I greeted, yet never had it once completed.

Each scene played out in my head as though I were reliving the moment right then and there. As my memories whisked me away from reality again and again, I could feel reality slip out of my grasp. Sitting between my parents at the dinner table, wrestling with them in a room, eating with an Affini, laying in bed with a friend; nowhere and everywhere all at once.

"My head... I can't... Aph...? Where are... where are you?"

"I'm right by your side, Shiki."

"I don't know... I can't..."

"It's okay."

"... Hold me... please."

A pause. A touch. A smile crept on my face as twice a task did I embrace. Spirit warmed, my heartbeat fluttered; a word of thanks to me was uttered. Far away, I am not needed. Much despair in me was seeded. A tenuous tendril took my hand, tethering me as the swirling wave of thought and emotion threatened to steal me away.

Hold me tighter. The roar emanating from my skull quelled the words in my throat. I could not bring myself to say it will be fine, say you will be mine, say you will with me entwine. To be a pet; are my needs met? Or will it soon despair beget? Disappointment; I know it well. But still I find it burns like hell. I need to be held more. Harder. I need to feel something. I can't feel anything.

I tried to open my mouth again, to no avail. I could see Aph standing a respectful distance away. Fuck. Why was it holding my hand so gingerly? I was losing control, an old friend. I held on tight, but to what end? Soon my life did it upend. Why is it so hard to let go? Why was it so hard not to know? Why was it just standing there? Do something. Please.

Thoughts began to fill my mind, none of which recognisable as my own. I found myself unable to think of my own accord, merely a prisoner to my needs, desiring such unholy deeds. To have a chance to ask each ask, how could one handle such a task? A pet makes no behest; its owner does the rest of my body felt barely attached to my head. The haze in my mind pervaded my limbs, dulling my nerves and making me feel like a puppet who'd lost its strings.

I furled my vines tighter against my chest, wrapping myself in a hug. I didn't know what to do. Shiki seemed so... distressed. It hurt to see my friend like this. I wanted to help. I needed to help. But I couldn't. We had literally just signed a formal agreement that I would not touch or approach her without explicit consent; I couldn't break that agreement now.

I was somewhat aware of her struggles from what she had shared with me online. I had always lent her a listening ear, doing my best to help her in times of need, but my help was often measured and restrained. I cared too much for her as a friend to risk going too far. Just the thought of making her uncomfortable or stepping too far into her personal space made my leaves wither.

Feeling her grip tighten around the singular tendril I had offered caused my worry to burgeon. She had only asked me to hold her; what else could I do? Wasn't the whole point of this to let me help her more? Yet, I found myself unable to do anything. I wanted to hug her, to comfort her, to be here with her; yet here I was, as useless as I was when we were apart.

It was technically well within my purview to administer some Class-E xenodrugs. Nonetheless, I found myself unable to be convinced that this constituted "untoward danger". I knew from past conversations that Shiki's "woozy" episodes were mostly transient, though she often had trouble describing what they were exactly after the fact. It seemed to put her in an uncomfortable stupor that lasted no longer than a few hours, so I knew it was at least possible to safely wait it out.

Still, the idea that I had to let her suffer any longer than she needed to sickened me to my core. Especially when I knew that there was more that I could do. There was always more I could do. More time I could have spent. More care I could have given. More regrets I'll have later, just standing here and watching her.

I watched as Shiki curled up tighter, wrapping the tendril she held snugly around her palm. I could feel her mind wander, battered and thrown about by whatever was going on inside. The blood in her hand pulsed against my vine, settling into a steady pace as her breathing slowed. The muscles in her face relaxed as the tension dropped from the rest of her body. Carefully, I pulled the covers over her body and loosed her hand from my grasp.

"Goodnight, Shiki."

I'm sorry.