Senescence | Chapter 6: Left, Leaving, Leave, Leaves

"Aph?"

I stood by the door to the hab, slightly befuddled by its refusal to open. I had been staying in the hab since my arrival and had grown acutely aware of the locked door over the past few days. I was locked in. Like a pet. At first, I paid it no heed and contented myself with exploring the sizeably-larger hab I was in. True to its word, Aph never left the hab without informing me first. Yet, each click of the lock behind its back made my circumstances ever more apparent and harder to ignore.

"Are you... domesticating me?"

"I am."

I felt an anxious tug at the back of my head. A thought began to form, but quickly dissipated after a brief pause.

"I thought you said you weren't going to?"

"Honestly, I hadn't planned to. But, seeing the severity of your attacks in person forced me to re-evaluate my proposed course of action. I couldn't in good conscience just leave you somewhere else on your own. That's... the bulk of all this paperwork, actually."

I looked towards the mountains of folders and papers Aph was gesturing at. Incomprehensible glyphs cluttered each page, with what I could only assume to be the Affini's signature bureaucratic self-flagellation. Another tug. Some part of me felt guilty for putting all this work on Aph's already-burdened shoulders.

"I was doing just fine, though. You could have just left me there and I'd have been fine."

"We couldn't take that risk."

"I just... don't want to be domesticated."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No, it's okay. I won't disturb you from your work."

"No, Shiki. My paperwork does not take priority over you. Like I said, you are my work, anyway. If that's what you're really worried about."

"I can handle myself just fine, Aph."

Aph had taken to caring for me rather aggressively, making sure I was brushing my teeth as regularly as I should and bringing me actual food to eat. I wanted to enjoy it, but it didn't feel right. It felt foolish to settle in and let myself be doted on when I knew a slip of the tongue or a gross misunderstanding could take it all away. I was fine on my own.

"No, no. I'm not having that."

"What-"

"You are going to tell me, or I'll ban you from working on your paper for a week."

"NO! YOU WOULDN'T!"

"Oh, but I would."

I let out a soft grumble. Aph's idiosyncratic modes of punishment were more effective at getting me to do things than I'd like to admit. My little quirks and pet peeves it had picked up over the years did well to serve as actionable threats that did not infringe on its promises.

"Okay, okay, I'll talk about it!"

"Good. Why don't you want to be domesticated? Is there something about the process that scares you? I can walk you through it."

"Not really. I would enjoy most of the process, to be honest. It's just..."

I paused, giving Aph a furtive glance. My arms folded across my chest, hugging my knees as I balled up on the bed. A third tug. I couldn't fathom why it was so interested in processing every little thing with me. There was nothing to be gained from this. It had no stakes in my personal well-being. It didn't need to know any of this. Aph halted my breath with a look, hovering a vine over my tablet.

"OKAY! I just feel... conflicted. I don't really know what you're trying to get out of this, or what you want from me."

I looked up, expecting a retort of some kind, but none came.

"I'm scared. I'm scared that maybe you're just doing this to get something out of me and you'll leave. I'm scared that even if you aren't, I'll fuck it up somehow and you'll leave anyway. I'll say something wrong; I'll piss you off; I'll do something I wasn't supposed to- I... I don't fucking know. I'm scared."

"Thank you for telling me, Shiki."

"Oh- um. No problem...?"

"I'm not... sure how reassuring this will be to hear, but Affini culture is really nothing like what you've come to know. I mentioned some differences back at the diner, if you remember."

I nodded. Despite only happening a few days ago, I found my recollection of the events then to be spotty, like a poorly-cut video. As per usual. I could indeed remember the conversation, but bringing it to the front of my mind demanded an unusual amount of effort.

"We truly don't do this to get anything out of anyone. I just care about you. We've been friends for some time now, and I've long since cared about you as a friend. It's not any different. To me, at least."

"I want to believe you. I really do. It's just..." I hugged my legs tighter. "I..."

Once again, no retort or interjection came. The silence my solemn aposiopesis left filled the space we shared and enveloped me in a tight hug. A fourth tug came, stronger; a yank. My diaphragm spasmed, forcing a choked breath through my teeth.

I thought about blurting out a string of words to get a word in edgewise, but the continued silence soon assuaged that thought. Stifled, sharp breaths punctuated the stillness in the air. An unbecoming moistness filled the ducts in my eye as I tilted my head up to stop my emotions from spilling over.

"I can't just take you at your word. I'm sorry. You're asking me to trust you; to trust that you mean nothing but the best for me. I'm not going to just believe that you're going to be the first one that's going to care for me that way. I wouldn't even know what that's supposed to feel like."

I could only hold them back for so long.

"And even if I do, there's just no reason for you to keep caring about me or caring for me. I can't offer you anything, Aph. I can't even... I suck at making others happy. I can't even do that for you. I don't know what I should be doing. I don't know what I can do. I don't know what you want me to do. I'm... you're... you're just going to waste your time, Aph."

I buried my head between my knees, trying to hide the ugly hiccups, shuddering breaths, and the wetness pouring onto my thighs. The words that managed to leave my lips surprised me somewhat. I hadn't been able to express all the things I was thinking about with anyone before. Though, I figured that was supposed to feel good.

"I understand, Shiki. You don't have to trust me right now; you deserve to be able to take your time. I won't ask you to trust me. I want to work with you to build that trust together."

Aph dug around its stack of papers and pulled out a few sheets of paper.

"Can I sit with you?"

I nodded, feeling the surface of the bed dip as it sat next to me.

"Would it help you to know exactly what I want from you? Or to know exactly what you're supposed to do? I do promise that I'll always try my best to be upfront and open about communicating those kinds of things with you, but I know that's not really what you need from me right now. So... I've also prepared this for you."

It placed the sheets of paper next to me, far enough to not get wet from my tears. I took a glance at the top page:

Domestication Contract

By signing this contract, you, Shiki Tvira, acknowledge all of the following:

1. Vinca Eros, Seventh Bloom is hereafter your Caretaker and owner.
2. You do not have political rights in the Affini Compact.
3. You have a guarantee of your wellbeing. Your Caretaker commits to act solely in your best interests for your safety, wellbeing, and care.
4. Your Caretaker may add, delete, or otherwise amend the terms herein with regard to your wardship, subject to further notice.
5. Your full name is henceforth Shiki Eros, Fourth Floret.

You also agree to all of the following stipulations set by your Caretaker, for which you acknowledge that non-compliance may result in corrective measures being taken against you:

6. Unless explicitly permitted, you shall not intentionally render any degree of physical harm to your Caretaker or yourself.
7. You are henceforth disallowed from insulting yourself in any capacity.
8. You shall not withhold any discomfort, dissatisfaction, disagreements, or previously unestablished needs from your Caretaker. You shall make them known upon request.
1. You may, however, express that you wish to raise any of the aforementioned concerns at a time no later than seven (7) days after the date of request.
9. You shall make known any personal boundaries being crossed immediately.
10. Barring approval from your Caretaker, you shall:
1. eat at least two (2) full meals a day,
2. brush your teeth at least once a day, and
3. shower at least once a day.

Lastly, you acknowledge the following stipulations your Caretaker has agreed to abide by:

11. Your Caretaker will not approach or make physical contact with you without explicit consent.
12. Your Caretaker will not use xenodrugs of any kind on you, unless necessary to prevent untoward danger to yourself or others or by request.
13. Your Caretaker will not force you, physically or by placing you under duress, to go anywhere without explicit consent, unless your presence is required for medical or official reasons.
14. Your Caretaker will not leave your presence without prior notice.
15. Your Caretaker will not shout, or otherwise raise its voice at you.

"To be clear, I am not saying that you have to abide by these rules in order for me to continue caring for you. My care for you is unconditional and will not be revoked under any circumstance, no matter how hard to believe that may seem. I just hope it helps with feeling that you are deserving of my care and feeling assured that I will continue to care for you.

"I understand that signing this contract is a big step and demands a lot of trust from you. It does make explicit that there will be some exchange of power between us, which I hope might ease you into trusting me more in the future. You can take your time with it and let me know whenever you're comfortable, or if you would like to make any revisions to it."

"No. I'll sign it."

I slid off the bed, finding a pen on Aph's desk.

"... Thank you, Aph."