Senescence | Chapter 4: Breaking Ground

"So, what have you been up to?" Aph broke the silence with a question.

"I've been working on my paper, mostly. Been really distracted from it though."

Yeah, because I've been dragged out of the house by them every day. I saw Aph's lips move as though it was about to probe further, but it quickly pursed its lips. I peered into its eyes, trying to piece together where the conversation was going.

"Have you given any thought to my... suggestion?"

Right.

"Well, you did give me 10 seconds to think it over."

"Did you think it over?"

"Not productively. I'm still not... sure."

I sliced at my steak awkwardly, smearing a blotch of sauce on my lips as I stuffed a piece of it in my mouth. Holding my gaze down, I snatched a sheet of tissue paper from a holder and wiped it off. Stars, was I horrible at holding these kinds of conversations. I stuck my fork into thin air, marking the end of my convenient conversational pauses.

"I still feel like I should at least be on the same planet as my parents. I don't like the idea of just leaving them here to die. And my ex... I..."

"It's okay, we don't have to talk about them right now."

It was somewhat embarrassing to have my discomfort so easily read. Though, I was grateful for it. I didn't feel ready to have to think about them again just yet. I could already feel a well of emotions springing forth from deep within. A quick sip of some iced tea did well to quench it.

"Why do you feel obligated to stay with your parents? I know it's been a big part of your culture for a while but... I'm not sure I see the reason for it."

"It's just... I feel guilty. I don't want to hurt them. I know how much being alone hurts and I don't want to subject them to it. And... they did raise me and care for me. So I feel... kinda indebted."

Aph sighed.

"I never understood this about your society. Not when I was studying them years ago and not now. Where exactly is the so-called virtue in treating another life as your retirement plan? Why does your society call it moral to treat care as a bargaining chip, or a piece of blackmail? It feels like such a shallow meaning of life to owe your life to someone just so you can propagate the cycle once more. It feels so transactional. So contractual. So... corporate.

"Is the joy of caring for another not pleasant enough to behold? Is the privilege of having another in your charge not a joy of its own? Why is it something that needs to be repaid? Frost, it's not even like your standard of care was that good, either. By Affini standards, what your society calls 'care' is what we call 'negligence'. In fact, the kind of care you received would probably have broken a trillion laws alone.

"That's not to say we don't understand the grief of letting go of another in your care. Compared to us, the lives of most other xenophonts are transient. I've known some Affini who'd taken blooms to get over the loss of their pet. But this grief comes because of the bond we form over our term of care. It comes because we wish we could keep caring for them but are no longer able to. It comes because we wish we could care more, because maybe we could have cared better. It comes because-"

Aph paused. Its teal eyes grew hazy, lost in a Cimmerian cloud of thought. I could feel an uncomfortable knot growing in the air between us, as though our breaths had stumbled into one another and gotten tangled. Its vines curled tightly around the legs of its chair. We shared a long breath before it spoke again.

"We don't grieve because we don't get anything in return. We wouldn't demand that our pets care for us."

"To be fair, we've never had such an abundance of resources as the Compact does. And at the end of our lifespans, we do grow aged and less capable. It's sort of... a survival mechanism."

"Yes, and that's such a pity. Such a pity that we came all the way from our galaxy to yours to free you all from it. It's even more of a pity that despite all that, you seem to be dead-set on holding on to your futile traditions and beliefs that have long ceased to serve their original purpose.

"It's a pity to see how you were cared for so poorly. It's a pity to learn how you've had to suffer so much. It would be such a tremendous pity to see you force yourself to suffer for the sake of suffering. I just want to give you a chance to be free from it all. That's why we're here after all.

"I could care for you so much better."

What?

"Wait. I thought you said you weren't going to domesticate me."

"Well, I'm just here to offer you a way out, mostly. I just feel like you could also do with... a bit of extra help."

"I'm not that broken." I chuckled at the thought.

Though, I couldn't help but admit that at least some part of it did feel appealing. Being made aware of the great world beyond mine also made me aware to just how little care I had received. I had become friends with many florets online and heard all about their experiences. About how they were accepted, how they were cherished, and how they were supported. It did feel like something I could use.

I remember thinking about how nice it would be to finally experience something like that. How freeing it would be to finally be myself and to love it. How I wouldn't have to fight the world for the right to be happy. The joy of being with another being who wants nothing but my happiness. It felt unattainable. I dreamt of it, but at the same time, it reminded me of them.

They had seemed like such a caring individual. Someone who truly accepted me and wanted me to be happy; someone I could trust. I felt as though I had finally found someone I could be myself with. I became comfortable exploring myself with them. But they lied. Once they ensnared me in their lies, they began to exploit me. Twisting my fears of hurting others and the guilt I wore on my shoulders, they forced me to do things I never wanted to do.

I was desperate then, and I was desperate now. Who's to say I wouldn't make the same mistake twice? I couldn't trust anyone. No matter how good it seemed, I could not go. Better the devil I know than the devil I don't. I won't fall for the same tricks again. It was probably going to pretend to care for me like they did and then toss me to the ground again.

I had to stay. I was going to stay for my parents, for them, and for me. I wanted to stay. I had to tell them no. I opened my mouth-

Wait, what's happening?

<Aphrodeeziac> she said no

Why can't I say anything?

<IvyStele> do what you have to

Did my arm always look that way?

<Aphrodeeziac> i did

Why can't I move my legs?

<IveStele> are you okay?

Why can't I see anything?

<Aphrodeeziac> no.

Why am I-

"Sorry, Shiki."

What?

"I was hoping you'd make this easy for me."

Of course.

"I'll explain everything. I promise."

Fuck you.